Beginning again, again.
As long as I can remember, I imagined getting to a There someday. "There" was posed in childhood as an abstract notion of contentment backed with an equally abstract support of my community. I was taught by parents, teachers, community and media that attainment could be achieved by higher education (PHD), family (married, children), career (engineer, doctor), even modest rebellion (mentioning other professions at dinner table) Some in our community like uncle so and so or the so and so son of uncle so and so reinforced the success model I was encouraged to model. As I approached something resembling the there, it would mysteriously morph to another there. And I would grumpily but loyally adjust my path in the new direction.
The pursuit of the there has been almost the definition of my existence. "Almost" because I had some sense of something else, I had a genuine curiosity for the not-there. I could sense those around me, easily being themselves without considering the judgement of others. They came from all walks of life and I reacted to them with both wonder and frustration. Slowly, I began to engage, and the there fell back, just a bit. Sometimes I would retreat in shame and fear of betraying those who supported me in the pursuit of there but the new feeling of engaging felt natural and i feel drawn to it. The shame was something I manufactured in my own mind.
I am interested in disrupting the flow of how I do things. I don’t have a plan so much as an inkling. Some intention that come in the form of exploring some taboos. There are four taboos of adult life i’d like to poke.
The first taboo is play. I looked up play in the dictionary, defined as “activity engaged in for enjoyment and recreation, especially by children.” I laughed. Even the dictionary seems to disconnect play from adulthood. That makes things harder to define, but if generally play is enjoyment without predetermined goals, then I can feel what play is not at least. Intentional play with ambition behind it such as an organized sport for exercise or taking a cooking class so you and your family eats better, feels not so much about play. Why do we need play? I don’t know. But something was made dormant and I would like to know what that is.
The second is serendipity, an openness to chance. As we grow up, we are asked to make clear resolutions and decisions whether a commitment to a plan, a career trajectory, a worthwhile goal, expertise through practice. I get caught up in the schedule of things, the getting to and from things, the chauffeur of kids, etc. I don’t trust just letting things happen and yet there have been times when the people i’ve been with and I have been somewhere - a frozen stream, a table with some materials on it, or a beach without an agenda, or at my brother’s house with a pile of outdated technology and… some tools. Each person finds their own way and/or joins others. It feels like play with serendipity and it is magic. What we gain from experiences feels unfathomable my the metrics of getting to a there, but invaluable in a profound way.
And as a side benefit, It seems that we are so filled with stress, trying to get everything done properly, that we cannot relieve that stress with more stress, even if that stress seems enjoyable. That is why a date night rarely works. Unhooking and welcoming play and serendipity feels like a real way to destress as it opens avenues of thought.
Third taboo i'm interested is curiosity, the exploration of odd and unusual things. As adults we might stake out new territory, but it feels more like ambition then curiosity as the ends are to get us to our there more clearly and efficiently. I think curiosity is delight and separates ourselves from our growing belief that we are just cogs in the machine. Curiosity keeps us alive and moving. Curiosity is why I am interested in looking at taboos.
Lastly, and perhaps the most anarchistic, unraveling. Unraveling is seen as negative, as in, “she started to unravel at work, to the dismay of her friends.” Or positive, “she started unraveling the mysteries of the rainforest.” Probably both seem like crazy to most people. We are tightly bound, fearful of taking risks, fearful of losing what we feel we’ve achieved. I have those fears but hoping that in finding that space of unraveling or unraveled, something fresh will emerge. Only by unraveling can one unravel who we are. Now I am on the journey, letting go and letting entropy take over. I am starting again, but not from where I started. Again and then again.
Paul
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